the river is wide

my life is not what i had thought it might be...it is also everything i thought it would be...


how i was, in a rowboat in the midst of the ocean in a storm with one oar. waiting, muscles trembling, rowing and pulling, only to go around in circles, sloshing water being tossed around head hurts back aches nose runs
 
back and forth

back and forth

back and forth
 
i find my rhythm. eventually the back and forth becomes rocking. the steady, predictable, comforting rhythm of my life. eventually the other oar appears, (and not because someone crawled into the boat to help me row, to ease the work, to calm the storm, to ford the waves).
 
finding the rhythm myself has resulted in the spiritual equivalent of the blue walls which lull me to sleep. her breath in the next room. the wood creaking with neighbour's footsteps above me. the endless joy and complete satisfaction that the faces of the students give me. the gifts of the mundane. the dark 1912 wooden wainscotting that envelopes me at night, the perfect plum in the refrigerator, the words from a friend i sat beside in grade four. the tree that turns red from the outermost branches. the brief glitter far out on the ocean when a small wave captures the sun. i go to sleep content. wake up. content.
 
and yet
 
a friend hands me his wallet and keys to put into my handbag, gentle hand on the small of me back i am remembering are you o.k.?

details become gestures of intimacy. taking me to the place where the oh resides. cracking open the door that has been shut tight to keep the light out. i watch him carry my daughter to the car, small arms curled around his neck, sleepy on his shoulder, checks her seatbelt and i think
 
i'm only resting.

run colette run

i received a note from classmates.com last night, informing me that dean baziw was wondering how i was doing. that he had found his wife on the internet, is a successful real estate agent in calgary and had two step daughters in australia.

i have vague memories of high school. not because my consciousness was altered....i just wasn't that present. that evening, i am standing at the kitchen counter in the dark, eating poptarts, and swilling chocolate milk to wash down my 'bio-identical' estrogen, flipping through my high school yearbook, looking for dean baziw.

i found my own picture...not dean's and was giggling out loud at what i had written. favorite memories...going to washington with leslie....i smile....running from the school counsellour, mr. koipoilli......ambition....super mom......phys-ed....

phys-ed???

wtf??

i look over at the front door, where the brand new nike adidas something or other sit, unblemished, laces perfectly tied, the mr. clean sponge close by in case i should feel like running and might need to perform a quick touch up afterwards. i too will learn the questionable health benefits of feeling like my lungs are burning and i want to fall over afterwards.

but i'm not. i'm eating poptarts and estrogen tablets. happily. i am waiting for 24 to come on so i can watch torture scenes under the guise of entertainment and feel smug about being canadian. i am defrosting packages of ground round for dinner tomorrow, a sad and pathetic ground beef replacement that i disguise with taco seasoning because eric told me that ground beef will kill me. i'm listening to the sounds of pascale breathe.

and then, i remember.

why i wanted to be 'phys-ed'. i had spent most of the summers of my childhood and teenage years shrieking with laughter on a crystal blue lake in the interior of british columbia; the nights sleeping on the beach by a campfire under a mansion of stars, unattended by adults.... because life wasn't full of pedophiles or kidnappers.

at least they weren't at sandcastles resort.

august afternoons on boiling hot inner tubes, and mornings waterskiing with eric and his brothers. they were athletic types from washington that would make the drive north every summer with their families. they skiied around plastic 'boo-eys', their arm sweeping the surface of the water as they carved their ski around the plastic; pulling the boat back just slightly with each turn. they played football, and basketball and they ran.

eric was funny and i was funnier. i thought. i liked who i was when i was with him, we would catch up every year and later would go back and forth to visit each other. i would see his basketball photographs in the sumner newspaper and would hear of his team playing some final something or other in the superdome.

it seemed so NATURAL to be athletic. after one particularly riotous kelowna summer, i thought, shit man, i can waterski... eric showed me how. so what if i fell into the surface skimming weeds we called 'the paranoia'? eric would drop off as well. he'd yell at me that i better goddamn get up on one ski as the paranoia was curling around his legs and he wasn't very happy about it. i got up on one ski.

if i can ski, maybe i am athletic. i wanted to be PHYS-ED. i wanted to be carefree like eric. i thought if i were PHYS-ED, i wouldn't be worried about things. that i would feel like i were home. like i felt when i was in kelowna.

because in a school of 3000 students (just grades 10 through 12), i didn't know where home was. that fall i decided i would try out for the high school volleyball team. after running 'sprints' (badly) and realizing that the team was already chosen (they were the ones WAY ahead of me and not laughing like eric) i quit.

this summer, years and years after kelowna, we travelled to eric's house. he lives by the ocean, surrounded by fields of blueberries. he has found home. he still makes me laugh more than anyone and i wished we lived closer. he is the brother i wished i had. if i had been 'lettered' i could have married him.

as we sit in his back yard with our own families, he talks about running, and how he hated it at first and now how it brings him peace of mind. i believe him, just like i believed him that i could get out of the paranoia on one ski.

so the shoes are still here, three months later. and perhaps one day i will decide to seek out that little part of me that wanted to be 'phys-ed' when i was eighteen. i will join eric in running stories; how much i hate it but how good it makes me feel. but for now, everytime i see the face of some little person who wants to be an artist, i'll show them how to paint, and when one of them is teary because of algaebra, i'll show them how to get out of the paranoia.

sally's dance

her fingers dance to the rhythm of the speaker
six needles flying
the long line of silky powder blue wool
converge into a delicate cone shape.

inspired
i wander around the wool shop
the spinner in the back room thumping
wooden floors creaking beneath my feet
a myriad of ochres, reds, violets, blues
the palette of whites and creams and chestnut make me hungry.

thick felted wool in fuschia and chartreuse
the melting softness of cashmere
orange scratchy mohair
that remind me of sweaters i wore
in grade six.

he brings out a felted kimono
purple with bright red poppies
his hands shaking and the shock of white hair
defying gravity

i wonder how his love affair
with texture and colour began.

i choose three big skeins
in whites and taupes
thin and streamlined and thick and soft
all in the same line

that night
in the fall
the leaves are red gold orange brown

and the park looked like it was on fire

i was curled up on my sofa
casting on
and casting off
and trying to make my fingers
dance
like the couple i see next door
through the lace curtains
waltzing
in their kitchen.

you dance in my chest

   


you know, pascale,i cannot believe how lucky i am to have you as my daughter. you are brave, and funny and courageous and kind. i really think you are amazing.

hey thanks mommmy. i try.




you dance in my chest
where no one sees you.


-rumi

winter collage (don't go back to sleep)

out beyond ideas of wrong doing

and right doing there is a field

i'll meet you there.

-rumi

could you fetch the z file for me, colette?

working at a jewish day school, and being secular, is like witnessing the israeli government in action on a daily basis. one cannot decide how the people that are running the place got there, (usually a revolving door of administrators and board members), everyone talks through and over everybody else (especially evident at staff meetings) and it's generally way noisy, chaotic, but also lively and full of life. i have been employed here for almost twenty years, and aside from the daily aggravation of returning home with my ears ringing from the noise, the only thing that still amazes me is the staff meetings.

granted, they have improved significantly since the school seems to have moved from a conservative school of torah study to a community school, nevertheless, the same subjects debated over years drives me nuts.

our drama teacher, larry, a talented,devout gay catholic man, has given himself the job of drawing names to take the minutes of the meetings. we all dread this because it means we cannot mark math papers at the back of the library, or send cartoons back and forth to one another. we have to pay attention, as we will be asked to submit the minutes.

in the past five years, i have avoided being selected by bribing larry. i feed him chocolate, and send him dirty e-mail jokes. last wednesday, larry dramatically swished around the cookie tin and drew a name. it was not me, of course, but judith, a teacher from argentina. impossible she said, unless someone is willing to translate from spanish. i, for some sick reason, offered to do it for her. as i sat scribbling vague partial sentences,struggling to keep focused on the meeting and shoving kosher raspberry fig newtons into my mouth, i realized may be my only chance to make my mark with my secretarial skills.....in the event i am ever fired for insubordination.

i present the foundation of my new career.

STAFF MEETING MINUTES
Wednesday, January 4, 2006
Respectfully submitted by secretary extraordinaire, Colette


Food : Better than average. Instead of those nasty little white and brown hockey pucks masquerading as Girl Guide cookies, we were treated to raspberry fig Newton type things (quite tasty) and juice boxes, as well as an array of tea, coffee, bottled water and other cookies that I personally didn’t indulge in but looked inviting. A thank you to Donna and Cathy for feeding us.

Time Management: Shockingly well done. Meeting was pronounced over at the stroke of 4:30. This phenomenon could be a result of several variables……

-plastic chairs are not comfortable and make people want to leave quickly.
-we all finally agree on something, thus not needing to beleaguer points over and over.
-the fact that there were about ten guys in suits circumnavigating the school (reportedly plain clothes police officers) made everyone want to get the hell out of there.

Regardless of the reason, here’s what went down.

1) Timetables and Prep Periods

The deal is that some people have a ton of prep and others have pathetically few. Cathy and Donna will work to ensure work loads are considered when adding or removing prep periods to provide the minimal amount agreed to after the collective agreement was ratified.

2) Open House

Cathy reported that the board is more than interested in having an open house. Fortunately, Cathy opted for a day event, and not a family-teacher-student camp retreat that would involve packing toothbrushes and seeing students on a Sunday morning over a pancake breakfast. Open discussion was encouraged to discuss possible dates for this event. Sally Piccinato optimistically suggested the 30th of June.

The month of April was generally agreed on, provided it doesn’t interfere with all of the ‘Yoms’ that tend to pile up, after all, an open house on Israel Independence Day may be a wee bit much. It was also pointed out that having a class of 25 with parents and grandparents in the room all day may be a bit crowded.

Another committee was struck, and Tamara, Faidra and Sharon have volunteered. If you wish to be a member of this committee and are not tied up with the graduation committee, young entrepreneurs committee, Strathcona, sports day, guest artist committee, literacy/school wide write committee, all the yom committees, pesach committee, tote committee, Purim committee, uniform committee, lunchroom reformation committee, Remembrance Day/Kristallnacht committee, Terry Fox run committee, industrial first aid committee, earthquake committee, yoman committee, Special Education committee, pro-d committee, collaborative planning committee, musical committee, Hannukkah committee, staffroom clean up committee, staff advisory committee, strategic planning committee, negotiating committee, vttta committee, shabbaton committee, choir, or parking committee, please consider volunteering.


3) Pink slips, er….I mean pink forms

Please submit pink absentee forms ahead of time if you are able to. Also, a list of substitute teachers will be typed out so each teacher may know who is available to sub. That said, a reminder was given that while teachers are free to request certain subs, not to book your own subs, but to please call Denise.

4) Another Open House

On January 11, 2006 there will be an early childhood open house that will take place in the morning. Loris will be displaying N4 artwork in the library showcase, and the rest of the bulletin boards need to be changed and done before this day.

5) Counselor

Jessica is off on maternity leave beginning this Friday. J Mention was made of the impact she has had here and the many students she was able to guide, thus taking the owe ness off of the staff and administration. In the meantime, she will not be replaced, but Donna and Cathy will be taking over any student issues/crisis/problems until Jessica returns.

Bon Courage, Jessica!! We will miss your calm and capable presence.

6) Bingo Night

On January 26, (Thursday) a Bingo night will be held to raise funds to purchase much needed televisions, vcr’s and dvd players to replace our antiquated ones. Funds raised will also be used to contribute to the cost of petrol for the school bus, and towards the cost of Strathcona.

Teachers were asked to collect the bingo items that will be coming in, and volunteers have been arranged to assemble the prizes.

Time: 6:30-9:00 p.m.

Bingo caller-outers- Fred and Rabbi

Back up bingo caller-outer- Larry

There was some talk about crowning the King and Queen of Bingo but it sounded so weird I didn’t write it down and now it’s 10:00 at night and I have forgotten. So sue me.

7) Uniform Committee

It’s baaaaaaaack! This never ending committee has a new round of members. They are, Ellen, Ahuva, Faidra and Lisa. Good luck.

8) E.S.L.

More students with E.S.L. requirements have registered at Talmud Torah. Cathy has applied for an emergency grant to the Federation to hire an E.S.L. resource instructor. Position will be posted internally as well.

9) Strategic Planning Goals

They are:

-student achievement and quality education
-mutual respect and collaboration
-spiritual development
-strong leadership
-school climate
-enlarging staffroom and adding a sundeck. O.k., that’s a lie.


Well, that’s about it folks. Judith sends her regrets for not rising to the occasion of secretary, but since there is no one to translate Spanish, she has promised me extra prep time and a cheese panini from Safeway in exchange for doing this.


XO

Colette